Jun 21, 2020
Was It Just Me ?
The night fell dark, darker than it should. I know it is over, there is no hope left but should I try for that one last time is what I keep thinking about. Will it be worth it? Or wait, am I being too quick? Am I not sure of what I want? May be. Or rather I am afraid. Afraid that my feelings will never be understood. But there is something that makes my heart skip a beat whenever I think of everything that we have shared. Everything was lovely until it shattered like a palace of cards. A soft wind blew us apart.
Do you spend your time reading and re-reading old text messages exchanged with someone who was once someone you shared so much of yourself with and now feel like a complete stranger? No, you don’t. And yes I do. I know I shouldn’t. I mean why waste my time on something that will never be the same again. How I wish I could go back in time and never let that time come again. Never let anybody pull my guards down.
Never let anybody even peep in because in reality the story repeats itself. People say give yourself a chance, may be you will see different and positive results. But guess what ‘people’ — results are always the same. Every single time. Then there comes a point when you want to stop trying. Although it pains not being around, still you decide that you will let it go. No matter what it takes, you are fine for some days.
Day 1: Done.
Day 2: Done.
Day 3: Good. [did not read old conversations the entire day]
Day 4: I’m better. [did not login to facebook to stalk]
Day 5: end of any such discussions with friends. You go out. Enjoy.
Day 6: “hi! Good morning.”
BAM!! And when you think you are through, you receive this message early in the morning.
When everything feels right, this happens and every memory comes back. But you know what? This doesn’t feel wrong either. Now I prepare myself for another few days of melancholy, where I know I will not be texting nor will I receive any texts and will be sitting there reading the conversations all by myself. You don’t feel me, right? You don’t feel any of it. You are fine, well, happier in life. That doesn’t mean I am sad in life. I have lovely parents and a crazy and amazing group of friends always around me but you know there is something missing. Feels a little empty. This shouldn’t have happened so soon if we see the amount of time that we have known each other for.
But maybe I had begun to live my little infinity there. As if the connection was so unbreakable. But it broke. The story ends even before it could have a proper beginning. I was fine before you and I knew I will be fine after you, because I knew you will leave one day. But I guess I was wrong. Couldn’t judge myself well. But now, slowly, pulling up my guards again and now no one will ever get a chance of pulling it down again because I will never give a chance to myself again.
